I Have a Say is dedicated to voicing the importance of working women’s mental health.
We will do this by:
Creating ways for women to come together to discuss their own experiences
Advocating for one another to bring mental health into the workplace.
I Have A Say Q & A
Michelle: So I think that one of the questions originally was, what got you started in creating this movement? Like why did you do that? What triggered that for you?
Kristen: For me, it started back in 2018 when I was in the outpatient mental health hospital. As I was signing papers and everything, getting myself checked in, there was one rule that particularly stuck out to me. It was, you can’t talk about anything that is discussed or experienced at the mental health hospital facility outside of the facility. I literally…I remember that I felt just feeling so angry, and I stared at that piece of paper for a hard minute before I decided I was going to sign it and basically approve that message. From there, I was just so determined. I was so shocked because…to see a rule like that… because a large part of what put me in the mental hospital was not being able to talk about anything, and I just felt, finally, I am going to a place to get help, they accept this, yet one of the rules is to stay silent.
Kristen: So I was pretty shocked by that matter, and at my graduation day, I made it a point to tell my therapist, I am going to start this movement that will allow women to speak about it. I told them my frustrations with that rule, and she really was blown away and happy for me. I don’t think she fully understood the patient’s perspective when they get there, how they could feel by that you know having that in place, so it felt really good to have that as a goal. Then everything happened with COVID. At first, it was hard to wrap my mind around, but you know, I was given the gift of time. For me, I got to revisit those feelings of when I first went back in 2018, and now that I’m in a better place, I can do it and just create this movement to help women who have the same obstacles in life and the same feelings just like I did that day.
Michelle: So do you feel there’s a lack of support for women’s health?
Kristen: Absolutely! I mean, everyone out there is saying how there’s a stigma, and the only way stigma is created is by people not talking about it, and that’s what I feel right now, a silence amongst so many. Yes, as a whole country, we have loosened up that stigma, but it is still very much there. And I will never forget the envy I felt when…in the era of #timesup and #metoo came to surface of… just everybody in the world knowing what that was. So many wrongs were righted within weeks of that coming to surface. I remember feeling envious of these women. Yes, 100% it was a good thing, but I so badly wished that one of my heroes or one of these activists could draw attention to the other silence that women have, which is mental health. I feel like now is the time, now more than ever, especially with so many people suffering through COVID and the unknown. We need to support each other, and by the time women can get back into the workplace, I want it to be a better place.
Michelle: So I understand that at one point you actually had a failed suicide attempt, you know? Can you explain, kind of like, what were the things that lead up to that happening?
Kristen: Yeah. Just going back there is difficult for me, and it brings up just surreal emotions. At that point, I was at an all-time low. My depression had fully taken over. I remember just feeling like it was an out of body experience. People ask you what it is like, and you’re not yourself. The disease has just fully taken over, and you’re listening to it, you’re believing it and you have no will power to fight against it. I just remember going…being at my desk and needing a way out. I repeated it over and over again as I sat at my desk, ‘I’m going to kill myself. I need to kill myself. I am going to kill myself when I go home.’ From there, just driving in my car. No music, just so I could continue to hear the thoughts I think, like, I was just committed. People probably wonder, like, can somebody talk you out of it? No, like, I was just committed, and it was all I could think and feel. There was no other way, and I don’t think in that moment anybody could have talked me out of it because I was just so committed and couldn’t handle the pain anymore. I got a glass of water, dumped my whole prescription of Trazadone out on my nightstand and just started swallowing them one by one, and that was kind of the out of body experience for me. I was, like, okay. I am doing this, and you know it is the depression, but you no longer have control. You are just so succumbed to the pain and the negative thoughts, but that small part of you is still lingering, like, I’m doing this. Like okay…you know? I think that small part of me is what enabled me to have the failed suicide. It stepped in, and that’s when I had the flash of my family. I have an older sister who…we are very close. I have a very loving mother and father who adore me. I am very thankful that I came up in a family that is very close. From there it caused me to put down the water and take a moment to stop and think about what it is I’m doing. That’s when I called the suicide hotline, and I just started balling, saying, ‘I can’t do this. I want it to end. I don’t know what to do. I want it to end.’ The person on the other line assured me that what I was doing was the wrong choice, and she told me to stop taking the pills. But even while I was talking to her, I was still swallowing them one by one. I just couldn’t stop that motion. That was, like, embedded in me to continue my plan. And from that point she sent her team over, and they were able to get to me and prevent me from continuing and get me the medical attention that I needed. I am very lucky in that moment that I survived, and that I didn’t cause any permanent physical harm to my body; And looking back on that day, that was a person who had just lost hope of all that was good. It was a culmination of feeling unappreciated by the people in my life. The toxicity at work really added to it. That was a large part of what of what brought my depression on. Previous events in life that lead up to, before I moved to Arizona, and was in this place. If I could, you know, say to that younger version of myself in that moment, I would say everything is going to be okay. You don’t have to do this, and that’s it.
Michelle: So you mentioned the pain and how much pain. You just wanted that to stop. Can you, like, share with us what you think the pain was coming from? Was it partly due to the fact that you weren't able to share that with people, or you weren’t sharing it, or didn’t feel like you could share it? Could you elaborate on what the pain that was causing this?
Kristen: Absolutely. I definitely remember just feeling like there was a weight on my heart, and it was just pulling me down to suffocation. I’m not sure if anyone has ever experienced this, but you’re just so tired your whole body hurts, and that’s what I was feeling. I was having pent up aggression and anger as well, so my whole body was just so tense 24/7. I think the pain was just coming from A) I have this depression that I have no control over, and it’s so debilitating. Nobody understands how bad I’m hurting and, like, emotionally I was hurting from not feeling appreciated, not being understood, and not feeling like anything I could say could get people to understand. Nothing I was doing was good enough, and I just needed a way out.
Michelle: So, if you have had this type of a movement, the one that you are creating, I Have a Say. If you have had that available to you in general, especially in the workplace, how do you feel that maybe this situation would have been different?
Kristen: I think, had I had a movement or something within the workplace to help me, I would have been more readily available to unleash my emotions and talk about it, and I would have felt more supported. I was lucky enough to have one friend at work who had suffered from mental health and could see the signs of depression and the pain in my eyes. She let me know it was okay, and that single conversation is what lead me to get a therapist and a psychiatrist and work on my mental health journey. So, for that single individual to have such an impact of a series of events, I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have the support of many other women; and to even be able to walk into an office at my work, on site, to have that freedom of being able to unleash my emotions without impacting the social standing and the status of the job that I worked so hard for. I think it would of certainly delayed my actions. I can’t speak for myself, who I was back then; but I certainly think that my actions would have been delayed had I had that type of support sitting at my desk, because that’s when it was the hardest. The toxicity of the environment and the pressure that was put on me. Never feeling like it was good enough for my clients at the time. That was a large piece of the puzzle. So, I think if I had that freedom of additional support, things would have been different, absolutely.
Michelle: So before that day, when you had the failed suicide attempt, had you had other things happen to you? I mean was the failed…was that day the straw that broke the camel’s back had you had, like, other things piling up? Or was this an isolated incident for you?
Kristen: As much as I would like to say it was an isolated incident, it certainly wasn’t; and this is something I’ve been struggling with for quite a while. Coming to terms with my own mind and my own mental health. When I was very little, a young girl, I was painfully shy. I relied on my older sister to speak on my behalf. She spoke…she introduced me. She responded for snack time, what I wanted and needed, and she was a crutch for me socially because I just couldn’t handle it. Once my parents caught on they were worried, and they were scared for my future. They immediately had got me into a doctor’s office and had me tested. Everything came back normal, and the doctors just said give it more time. Eventually, I learned to advocate for myself and speak without my sister, and teachers began to notice that I was learning in a different way. It was a bit slower and off-pace from, quote unquote, normal. Whatever that is.
Michelle: Uh, huh!
Kristen: That’s when my teachers communicated to my parents about my learning disabilities. Once I got to high school, that’s when the learning disabilities kind of came into… came into light. I finally learned what all of it meant and what it was. A teacher, a math teacher, I remember, noticed that my first two pages of the test, I nailed it. Like, I was focused, every answer right, but by the third, fourth, fifth page, it was all wrong, and you know, she just kept noticing this repeating pattern. That’s when I got tested and confirmed I had ADHD and a mild case of dyslexia. Freshman year through grade school, I was in special education and continued all the way through freshman year in high school. By sophomore year, I was able to graduate out of the program, and that was huge for me because I didn’t want to be connected to that. It’s hard enough being a teenager, but to have that be known schoolwide and that bullying I underwent. It was tough. So, it was a breath of relief that I didn’t have to stand in front of that special education classroom until the door opened, and I no longer had to hide, I felt. Moving onto college, that’s when everything clicked for me. I was really on my own, and I was independent in my studies, and I brought home a 4.0 my first trimester. That just felt so good. I remember printing out my report card and showing my mom immediately. But unfortunately, freshman year came with its own challenges. I developed a group of friends. It was the three of us, and you know, we definitely were the queen bees, so to speak, of the campus; but once we had a falling out, it was tough because it became a two against one situation. The two of them stuck together, and I had nobody. I just remember feeling really lonely and telling my best friend at the time, ‘I think I’m going to tell my parents that I’m having issues and that maybe’…I didn’t even know what to call it at the time. I didn’t know it was depression, but I just knew something was wrong. I remember her texting me back, ‘I think that’s a good idea.’ Unfortunately, I never got to tell my parents any of this because freshman year of college, last week of school, finals week, I caught a rare virus called Guillain-Barre, and that causes your entire nervous system to shut down. I remember experiencing tingling in my feet and hands thinking, oh, it’s cold out. It’s Colorado. My body is just trying to warm up because I had just gotten back from a long shopping spree with one of my really good friends. We wrapped ourselves in blankets and watched a movie, and after that, my friend, I remember my friend asking me, ‘Are you feeling better? How’s your hands and feet?’ and I go, ‘No, I don’t know. I’m just going to bundle up some more.’ Then I went home to my parents, and I asked my Dad who’s a doctor. He looked at my hands and couldn’t see anything wrong. He looked at my feet, and after we confirmed it had spread to both areas he took me to the hospital. I remember being angry because I felt they thought I was crazy and my dad reminded me they’re just doing their job. They have to ask you these questions. But nothing. I went to a neurologist, and he had noted that I had lost some weight, and I remember him telling me, ‘It’s called numbness of the body. College kids get this when they don’t take care of themselves.’ I have had back-to-back viral throat infections, fevers of 104 degrees just three times in one month. All back-to-back, and I liked to party in college, and I was having a good time and all. His reasoning lined up, so I didn’t have a reason to question it. He wrote me a note to get me out of finals, and I remember disregarding that note. I was such an overachiever at that point. I wasn’t about to miss my English final. I shoved that note in my backpack, marched into my English final, sat down; and to my dismay, it was a timed writing, typing on the computer. I just remember trying to move my fingertips, and I couldn’t do it. I just sat there in front of the computer screen, like, what am I going to do? This is real now. So, I had to get up. Everybody’s looking at me, and I tell my teacher, ‘I’m so sorry, but I can’t do this.’ She laughed. She’s like, ‘Ha! Like, no. You need to do your test. Otherwise you’re going to fail.’ I opened up my backpack and showed her the note, and she goes, ‘Uhhhh, my son had the same thing. I am so sorry. You go get some rest.’ I went and got some rest. I remember crying to one of my other girlfriends on the phone, and she said, ‘Well, the doctor said this lasts four days, five days. Today’s day four, and tomorrow, you should wake up feeling better.’ The next day I didn’t feel better. I couldn’t move or do anything. My dad had to carry me out of the dorm, rush me to the hospital. By the time I got to my room, I couldn’t feel anything from my waist down, and I was 75 pounds by the time they got me to ICU. By the time I was in ICU, I could no longer talk, and they were talking about putting me on a feeding tube. I spent three and a half weeks in ICU and was transferred to a rehabilitation center closer to my hometown. That took me…I spent three and a half months. I celebrated my 18th birthday in that rehab center relearning how to write, talk, walk, zip my pants…everything. From there, after those three and a half months, I got to go home. They said the hardest part is over, and it was a big celebratory moment. My parents even took me to Disney World, and I got to with a best friend; but little did I know the hardest part was going to be my mental health. Before I knew it, I was waking up out of my sleep sweating and screaming, checking to see if I could still move my hands and arms, and I didn’t know what that was; but a part of my post-hospital plan was to get mental help, and that therapist confirmed I had post-traumatic stress. I didn’t know, but this was something I was diagnosed with while I was at the rehabilitation center, and that still needed to be worked on. I remember spending the whole summer working hard to talk out my emotions and going to physical therapy to get better, and when it was approaching fall, I was determined. I’m like, I gotta get out of here. I’m going stir crazy. I want to be at school, and I want to transfer. I was going to school originally in my hometown of my parents. Being the youngest child, my parents wanted to see how I did with my disability, and If I could really handle college. So I agreed to stay in my hometown for school. But with a 4.0, I knocked it out of the park, and I was ready to get out and experience the world and transfer. There was a sister school in Providence, Rhode Island, and I was ready to go. The therapist sat me down and looked at me very sternly and said, ‘you are about 45 percent mentally ready, and whatever the other half of the percentage is physically ready. I highly recommended that you take a minimum of one to two years off of school.’ I just nodded and smiled to put on a show for my mom, went home, and packed my bags. By the time I got to Rhode Island starting school, I knew I had made the wrong decision, and it cost me my mental health. Leading up to that, it was something sitting in the back of my mind. The panic attacks, the anxiety I experienced on campus…that all culminated to that day, I believe. I think it certainly contributed to something I was still emotionally dealing with. That trauma.
Michelle: I really appreciate you sharing all of this stuff with me. So, this movement is happening.
Kristen: Yes!
Michelle: It’s coming out. So, what are your hopes for it? It’s like your baby. What are your hopes for this I Have a Say movement?
Kristen: I have so many hopes and dreams for this. This is definitely not only my own personal, quote unquote, coming out and revealing the full scope of my mental health journey; but it’s also my dream of when I was saying I wish my heroes could advocate and speak up and create this movement. I couldn’t be more excited to start the conversation, and my hopes and dreams is to keep the conversation going! The more we talk about it, the less it becomes a stigma we’ve allowed it to become. A stigma because we aren’t talking about it. I hope that women who hear my story can have the courage and bravery to come forward and know that they have the opportunity to be in a safe space with like-minded women in my virtual events; and open up and share how they feel in the workplace. Share how their mental health journey has made them into the person they are, because, this isn’t technically a negative thing. This is, I mean, this journey has really strengthened me, and it taught me to be resilient. I’ve learned so much through it, and I met some incredible people through my mental health journey. So, it’s not all bad, and I really hope that these women can see I’ve learned and come from it and join me and not be afraid anymore. It’s a really powerful thing when women support other women, and I know we can make this happen. I honestly think that people should be a little scared because we’re coming!
Michelle: Laughter
Kristen: I really think that we’re going to create something big out of this! I know if I can do my virtual events and just have one woman walk away with one person in her small and intimate group that she can continue to contact from that point forward to have that person…I’ll succeed…I’ll be happy. Because I know it’s not easy to do this on your own and don’t feel you have anybody to share. Me, myself. I am so lucky that I have a father and a mother and a sister who dropped everything to support me through my mental health journey. I know that it’s not like that for everybody, which makes it even harder. Which contributes to the reason why women are not speaking about this, and I really want to give that outlet. The more we’re heard, the more these corporate companies are going to be encouraged and not have the choice but to change. My hopes and dreams are for my friends and my loved ones, any woman who has ever come out to me with her story only because I’ve shared my story with her, can be at her work of place and easily have these mental health benefits accessible to her, so that she feels that she can get the help she needs without it costing her career and everything she’s worked for. That easy accessibility can make the biggest difference. Women shouldn’t feel pressured or scared to have to go to their boss to find out what’s available or out there. It should just be a click of a button. It should be as easy as signing up for healthcare and medical insurance and eye care. It should be all a part of that package. And I think it’s time, and I really think by the time everyone is able to go back to work, I want to be able to see those changes within those corporate companies. And I want to be standing over shoulders saying nope, like, not good enough. Not yet. You’ve got some work to do just so us as women can focus on what it is we love and continue to share that love, and support each other without that burden. Without that pain I felt that day pulling us down. Feeling like we’re alone. We all deserve it, and it’s time. Because we as women have a say. We can change this narrative. We can create the narrative, and we can make this change; and I know if we can all just come together, big things can happen.